Today i was feeling super disappointed when i come to know that a job is being assigned to A and when I come to know that banana is helping me to fight for bonus. Mr Tt's reaction is that just show A where the information are stored and that's all. I suddenly feel a pinch in my heart. All my hard work of colliding to wall just hand it over to people like that. A job that I suppose that i'm the person who is most familiar with the proj ( the proj spec the same, just a change in product). Initially, I thought this disappointment comes about how much I wanted this project and just feel sad that I could so easliy being replaced. I was thinking I'm a pervert, how come suddenly wanted this project, while the day before was hoping that i will not be doing the project at all.
After talking to KW, i really realise the root of my disappointment. I wanted to get recognised, not so easily being replaced in work. Incidents started to flash back which make me even more disappointment. ..
1. Tt is a real impatient mentor. He did mentioned b4, he is willing to coach me. He is the person who know that i have zero knowledge in this field and will need guidance. When come to real stuff that you do not understand, he will ask you to consult the da gege, or insult you , " dont tell me you are here so long, you still do not understand . . . " this statement really create a big impact on me and i nv ask him again.I will not have such a reaction if i'm guilty of that, but it was the first time i come across that.
2. The value of me in that area. Everyone in the room seems to have his speciality. Esp LD and A are specialised in some technical aspect (PS: the LD and A are considered his Right and left hand), even the IN are proficient in certain area. What about me? Mr Tt initially mentioned " I will not put all eggs in one basket", thus certain reports he will ask me to be in charge. Within weeks, he take that responsibility from me and give it to LD. See, how double standard is he. When i was handling this proj, he mentioned " now you are the only one who is specialized in this area" that is why i work super hard for this, and willing to work day and night for it, coz i expect i will really learn something that has high barrier. But poof, today he just proved what he say is untrue by assigning to A, ( is not that i handle but assist by A).This only give me a feeling that i am easily replacable. What i have been doing, all hard works are just nothing. Thinking back, what LD, A and IN know, i have no knowledge of that and they are unwilling to share. However, whatever i have knowledge of, they knew that. here are not the only 2 incidents. The most great disappointment is that whatever Mr Tt says wasn't words of honesty.To them, I'm just an admin staff, a replacement, some one who back up them and assistant.
Banana still does not understand the meaning of my words behind that my leaving of the area may due to emotional reason. He still thought the main reason i can't stand is that no guidance is given, no official training or impart in the technical skill. my main reason of leaving is because of the great disappointment i have with the team, with Mr Tt. I have lost trust in LD and IN, and have lost faith in Tt. Although I already decided to leave and is looking for job, but this incident spark me to be even more active. There's no reason for me to stay on, no more tears shed on these.They seems not to understand what i value is not monetary value, but recognition..Though a lot of pp did tell me that outside world is not like what i am in now, i am still willing to work here if i get the recognition i deserve. But i don't. Think the thing that goes really wrong is that I have too high an expectation how a working life should be like.My error is that I really forget my position and the work scope I suppose to do. I should not have expectation on my bosses that i will be appreciated. So work hard will lead you no way.
Ever since banana joins in, i shed even more tears when he started to preach to me work life balance. I realise i have been a backup, a rubbish dump ( do jobs that pp will not like to do, either is too tedious, or not their scope of excellence) . Bleak. I started to tink what I have learn the past 1.5 yrs..
1. Not to have high expectation
2. Do not even expect, as no expectation lead to no disppointment
3. The world is unfair; there will be cases people take your credit for their own use, or take your credit and give to other pp.
anyway, have to thank for all the lessons they give me. Because of this, i started to know myself a bit better.I'm actually not an angel. I do not have this selfless spirit just to share knowledge openly to other. I'll still perserve on and finished the project to thank those who really appreciated me. Gambette!
